


Between the Truth and the Lie

by IllegalCerebral



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, There's still feelings there, Unresolved Emotional Tension, it's complicated - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2021-04-04
Packaged: 2021-04-25 03:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22265482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: Nothing should have surprised you about Spencer Reid anymore after knowing him for so long but seeing him on your doorstep at gone midnight in the pouring rain definitely gave you pause.You left him because he was still in love with Maeve. He came back because he isn't sure who he is anymore.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **I only post my work to AO3 and tumblr. If you find this story posted on other platforms it has been stolen and reposted without my permission **

“Can I come in?”

Nothing should have surprised you about Spencer Reid anymore after knowing him for so long but seeing him on your doorstep at gone midnight in the pouring rain definitely gave you pause.

He looked wretched for lack of a better word, soaked to the bone obviously but with puffy eyes and a kind of agitated air about him. You stepped aside, what else could you do, and he unsuccessful tried not to drip over your hallway carpet.

“This is probably the last thing I should say but we should get you out of those clothes,” you sighed, “I assume this is not that kind of visit?” His lips twitched and for a moment you thought he might say something. The prospect of that made something shiver inside you because at that moment you weren’t entirely sure what you wanted him to say.

“I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t talking about the puddle he was making or the un godly hour or even that this was the first time you had seen him in a year but one problem at a time.

“I stole some of your old t-shirts before I left and your Quantico sweatpants are in a box somewhere. Bathroom is second door on the right, water’s hot. Then we talk.”

“Then we talk,” he echoed. You both stayed still for a moment, unsure and unsteady. His lips twitched again like he wanted to speak and you took that as your cue to flee to your room for the promised clothes. Part of you wanted to smack him, get all this tension out of you in one blow and then ask how dare he? Part of you wanted a drink or five because even though you still had no idea what brought him here it couldn’t be good and you’d had enough of _those_conversations with him to last a lifetime. At least you didn’t want to cry, that was something.

“Got the clothes!” You hovered by the bathroom door. Spencer opened it as little as he could manage and took them with mumbled thanks. “Someone’s been working out.” Probably not appropriate given the circumstances. Probably not appropriate full stop but the change in his physique was noticeable. Spencer scrambled to shut the door and you heard the sounds of him fumbling with the clothes.

“I started training with Luke,” he said after a moment, “just like running and stuff. It’s not…a thing.”

Spencer doing any kind of physical exercise willingly was most definitely _a thing_.

“What prompted that?” you asked. There was an uncomfortable silence.

“We were going to the shooting range a lot and then he asked if I’d go running. No big deal.” The last part was said defensively. So it was a prison thing, you realised with a pang in your chest. Towards the end of your relationship he’d been going to the shooting range almost daily so god knows with what kind of fervour he’d approached exercise.

“Well you look good,” you said weakly, regret coming before the sentence was even out.

“Thanks?”

Fuck this. You went and poured yourself a drink and retreated to your comfiest armchair in anticipation of…of what? If something terrible had happened then he would have gone to the team. He edged into the room a moment later just as your patience was threatening to wear out.

“Not that I don’t love having my ex-boyfriend turn up in the middle of the night with no explanation,” you said, “but what the hell are you doing Spencer?”

“I…I’ve taken a sabbatical from work.”

“You have a home though right?”

“I sold my apartment.”

Thank God for that. You had always found it strange how he insisted on living in the place his mother had been abducted from.

“I’m saying with Luke,” Spencer continued, “He broke up with his girlfriend. I think she thought-“

“You’re stalling,” you interrupted, “why are you here Spencer? I haven’t heard from you since we broke up and-“

“I just…I’ve been thinking about things and I owe you an apology.”

“At midnight?”

“I guess I didn’t look at the time, I just drove.”

You drained your glass and then rubbed your face, breathing heavily. You could hear Spencer shifting on the spot.

“Okay let’s make a deal,” you said, “You sit here and tell me exactly why you’re here. No excuses. No obfuscating. In return you can stay. That’s what you want right? You’re running from something and you need to escape for a bit?”

“You should be a profiler.” Spencer smiled and sat down, a little closer than you meant for him to but at least you were in separate chairs.

“Everyone who works in your office is crazy.” His expression fell and with it another piece of the puzzle. “The problem is a team member.”

The story tumbled out all at once. You got him to repeat a few points towards the end and then you just sat stunned.

“So JJ told you she loved you then didn’t speak to you for six months?”

“Not properly no,” Spencer’s voice cracked a little. “It wasn’t her fault though. I know you never liked JJ-“

“That’s not true.” It came out more defensively than you meant it to. You hadn’t disliked her really but you’d been wary of the fact that she had watched you like a hawk when you had been introduced to the team. She’d been protective, the whole team had of course but JJ more so than anyone else. You didn’t want to dwell on it. “So JJ got shot and-“

“Said I was her first love,” Spencer finished, hanging his head.

“What did you say?”

“That everything between us was okay. It is! She loves her husband and sons and-“

“Oh my God. Do you feel the same?” Spencer didn’t answer but he didn’t look up and then it clicked, “No you don’t. But you’ve let her think you do. Oh for fuck’s sake Spencer.”

“At one point I wondered-“

“We’ve all fucking wondered,” you threw up your hands, “that’s not the same thing as hoping.”

“What does it matter?”

You didn’t have an answer for that. Maybe it didn’t. Spencer and JJ could get on with their lives and if JJ didn’t feel so alone in her confession and Spencer still had his best friend then maybe that was fine. Except there was a little part of you that was resentful. You couldn’t articulate how, you certainly didn’t want to be in JJ’s place but you couldn’t help but wish that Spencer had been as concerned for your feelings when you were together.

“My Mom thinks that maybe the reason I’ve never pursued a long term relationship is because I’ve always seen myself ending up with JJ.”

You laughed. You didn’t mean to and Spencer looked shocked.

“I broke up with you because you were using me to forget someone else and that certainly wasn’t JJ.”

“I never-“

“Please go. I don’t know what you want from me and if I did I’m not sure I could give it.”

“Y/N please.”

“Please what?” you snapped. “What do you expect me to say or do? Validate our relationship? That wasn’t real. I was a placeholder. You want me to tell you that your feelings for Maeve were real so I can reassure you that whatever the fuck this is with JJ is you yet again turning yourself inside out to present a good face to everyone?”

“Is what you think I did?” The question was genuine, Spencer looked terrified by the possibility.

“I think I loved you and you didn’t love me.”

“I think we were both in a bad place,” Spencer frowned, “I don’t think it was a lie. I did love you.”

“Like Maeve? No. You didn’t love me like that.”

The silence dragged on. For your part you were trying to reconcile the emotions clashing up against one another inside you. Spencer was staring off into space but you could see the cogs whirring.

The clock struck two.

“I don’t know who I am,” said Spencer, “I hate change.”

“But you’ve changed so much,” you sigh, “the entire time I’ve known you, you’ve been butting up against everyone’s preconceived ideas about you.” Spencer frowned, “You want to be the perfect son, perfect friend, perfect agent but you also hate being the boy wonder.”

“I’m not anymore.”

“Which is what you wanted,” you moved to sit on the sofa next to him. The time for arguing was over, “Gideon’s death, prison, all of that changed you. You haven’t been the boy wonder for a long time but you changed because horrible things happened to you and from where I’m sitting it looks like you’re stuck between moving on to free yourself and staying where you are to make other people feel comfortable.”

“It sounds so weak when you say it like that.”

“It’s compassionate, which despite what I said and how I feel right now, is one of your strengths.”

He moved to look you directly in the eye and in his movements and bearing you could see the results of that pain and struggle.

“I meant it when I said I was sorry and when I said I loved you,” Spencer took your hand, “I never wanted you to think I was using you to forget Maeve or to make the pain of her death go away.”

“I know you didn’t mean to,” you frowned, “Competing with ghosts is hard. I think maybe you just weren’t ready to move on but you felt like you had to.”

“Other people’s expectations,” he smiled.

“We all struggle with them and we all struggled against them at one point or another.” You gently pull your hand away. If this were a movie it would be the part where you and Spencer got back together. But it wasn’t a movie.

“What should I do?”

“Honestly? I think you should do what you want. Live your life in the way that makes you the most fulfilled,” you said.

“I’m seeing a therapist. I actually enjoy running, is that weird?”

“Very but what I meant is do the things that you enjoy. Remember you would always take me to awesome shows of exhibits or that one Valentine’s Day where instead of going to some fancy restaurant you made a picnic of PB&J sandwiches and we ate it on the floor of your apartment? Revel in being your unique self Spencer.”

He tilted his head, a smile spreading on his face. You recognised that dreamy look but you needed to hold fast. You were both feeling pretty vulnerable in that moment and vulnerability did not good decisions make.

“Thank you Y/N.”

“I’d say anytime but honestly I don’t need these midnight visits to become a habit,” you laughed.

“I will check the time before I come over next time. If there is a next time?”

“If sleeping together is your idea of-“

“No! I mean, yeah I definitely enjoyed it-“

“Obviously.”

“But what I mean is that spending time with my friends is something that makes me fulfilled and we were really good friends before I messed things up.” You had been. It was part of what had made him so easy to fall in love with.

“It was mutual messing up. Communication was not our strong suit.”

“Look at us now.”

It was all too much for one night. You gave his arm a squeeze and fetched some blankets to make up the couch. You felt lighter when you retreated to your own room. You couldn’t even begin to think how you would approach the morning. Perhaps more opening up of old wounds?

Sleep was threatening to overtake you, sleep so deep you wouldn’t remember your dreams. A clear head was required. You hadn’t spent the last year pining but you had been trying to move on and you weren’t all the way there yet. Like you’d said to Spencer everyone wondered and you had wondered what would happen if you saw him again. Now there he was.

You rolled over and settled down, waiting to see what morning would bring.


	2. Follow up drabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was requested by an anon over on my tumblr (@illegalcerebral) for my 1.5k follower celebration a while back. The prompt was "I want to try Again"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** I do not give my permission for this work to be copied and reposted anywhere else **

“Two visits in as many weeks,” you said leaning against the door frame, “I’m honoured Spence.” As much as he tried to hide it you could see his face lighting up at the use of the once familiar nickname.

“Can I come in?”

At your signal he followed you towards your living room, taking the seat opposite you, hands twisting.

“How have you been?” he began.

“You’re still terrible at small talk,” you sighed but there was no malice or frustration in your tone. It was nice to be able to sit like this again.

“Okay…hypothetically what would you say if I said I want to try again?” asked Spencer. Your brain was filled with white noise for the moment that gave way to a hundred different sentiments. You stared at your hands.

“I guess…hypothetically…I would ask why?” you said, nervously. Spencer smiled.


	3. Six Sentence Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested as part of my 2k follower celebration in March 2021. the prompt was “I’m truly in love with you. Don’t ever doubt it.”

“I don’t,” you mumble sleepily, snuggled up next to him on the couch. You chuckle as he starts, not realising you hadn’t fallen asleep yet. You don’t open your eyes, just shift a little to get more comfortable. The thud of his heart is steady and soothing as your eyes grow heavy again.

“I love you too,” you say softly.

He kisses the top of your head.


End file.
